I just want to take time to apologize to whoever reads this and has hopefully been waiting for these last four entrees. I have had an incredibly eventful week, and I had a midterm among other assignments and commitments. Thank you again for reading and I hope you are doing well!
April 27th- Going Through The Motions
There I sat, halfway thinking about the words being said. My mind and attention started drifting.
There I sat, halfway thinking about the words being said. Trying to make sense of what happened.
There I sat, halfway thinking about the words being said. I am just trying to make it through.
There I sat, halfway thinking about the words being said. I had to live in the moment, but I could not.
Fake a smile, try to look interested and enthusiastic about what is being discussed among the group.
Fake a smile, drop in a small part of your true opinion, just enough to carry on the act, the facade.
Fake a smile, look down at your feet, while the thoughts and memories of past times start to fill my head.
Fake a smile, mentally relive several moments, that I should not, I have to learn how to let things go.
Here I go through the motions once again, only caring half (if any) of what people think I care about.
Here I go through the motions once again, I need the fire inside of me to be rekindled, and ignited.
Here I go through the motions once again, I am stating to lose my passion and compassion.
Here I go through the motions once again, please do not ask me what I think, most likely a lie.
Going through the motions, I cannot help but look back on my past, happiness and ignorance.
Going through the motions, I like to think I am doing something worthwhile, but all I see is a fuck-up.
Going through the motions, I am trying my best to really stay positive, but I feign happiness for so long.
Going through the motions, I am going to go through them, in hopes one day I will find the passion again.
April 28th-Calm Before The Storm
Do you hear that? That deafening silence before all chaos breaks loose, and it feels like the apocalypse.
Do you see that? The calmness, the unsettling smile, the look of malice in the eyes of the predator.
Do you smell that? The air around all us is getting thinner and thinner, it just leaves unsettling air.
Do you feel that? That is me who is being pushed over the edge by outside pressures and inner voices.
No, scratch that I will be okay. Do not worry about me, really I will be fine by the start of tomorrow.
No, scratch that I will be okay. I am the same fun loving person inside and out, just had a bad day.
No, scratch that I will be okay. Just give me some time to sit a few rounds out, I need to just rest.
No, scratch that I will be okay. Leave me be, do not worry all I want and need is to just sleep.
This is the calm before the storm. I will try my best to leave as little damage as possible.
This is the calm before the storm. I feel one wrong word will change it all, and cause the rain to pour.
This is the calm before he storm. I feel I should let everything sizzle, and not to overreact.
This is the calm before the storm. I will be okay I promise, the sooner it starts, the sooner it ends.
Breathe. Smile. Do not let them see that this is the calm before storm. They deserve the best.
Breathe. Smile. Do not let them witness how I feel the need to gasp for air. They deserve peace.
Breathe. Smile. Do not let them be worried about you. They deserve to have less stress in life.
Breathe. Smile. Do not let this get the best of you, it's part of you, but not all of you.
April 29th- Talk It Out
Get up at 5:00 AM, have to be out the door at 6:00 AM and hopefully in LA by 8:30 AM.
Get up at 5:00 AM. eat a small breakfast, but my stomach is unsettling. Time to get ready.
Get up at 5:00 AM, get on the freeway at about 6:30 AM, and sit in and out of traffic while winds blow.
Get up at 5:00 AM, barely get to park, five minutes before my appointment. Time to check in.
Sit in the waiting area, she will be out soon. I cannot believe I made it in time. Traffic was worse long.
Sit in the waiting area, thinking how much time I have clocked in the past year and half. It is worth it.
Sit in the waiting area, I examine my hands, and think of what I am going to say as soon as I see her.
Sit in the waiting area, I finally settled in, and was in my own world when I hear her whisper, "Eddie"
Follow her to her office, the usual routine of small talk hushed for the courtesy of others. I smile.
Follow her to her office, I think again of what I have to say, with half the time, I have to be smart.
Follow her to her office, I think of how I was so hesitant to start sessions with her, the nervousness.
Follow her to her office, the usual, I just unload of events in the past two weeks, life is life.
Told her about this and told her about that, I wonder what she is thinking as I tell her everything.
Told her about this and told her about that, I am reminded of previous manic phases, speaking fast.
Told her about this and told her about that, I appreciate her help, and will miss her after this year.
Told her about this and told her about that, I am finally at peace with school, at peace with life.
April 30th- At Peace
It took me 6 years to learn a lot of life lessons. Both light and heavy, bad and good all appreciated.
It took me 6 years to learn that if I do not believe in myself, why should anyone else?
It took me 6 years to build a somewhat healthy and reasonable amount of self confidence.
It took me 6 years to me being brought up, kicked down, and everything in between.
I did the wrong things for the wrong reasons, I can try and list them but that would take a while.
I did the right things for the wrong reasons, This list is smaller, but worse in content nonetheless.
I did the wrong things for the right reasons. This list is smaller in comparison, but I am proud of them.
I did the right things for the right reasons. I did a lot of these, but there is always the future.
I have lost a lot of friends, but made new ones. I would prefer not to lose anymore, but gain more.
I have lost trust with people. but those who still have my trust, I appreciate it, as everyone should.
I have lost great opportunities, but learned to appreciate and take the good ones when they rise.
I have lost myself in the process. Biased, confused, and struggling, I am starting to find myself.
I smile because of all the great times that were shared with so many people over these past years.
I smile because I am so happy and blessed to have such amazing people who inspire me.
I smile because sometimes that is the only thing I may have at the moment, but it is enough.
I smile because I am gaining control of my life, piece by piece, and with that I am at true peace.
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