April 26th- Seventh Drink Sobriety

Twelve noon, the surprise party was a success. my cousin did not expect a thing. His smile was priceless.
I was surrounded by family, I could not help but feel relaxed in this home style sit-down restaurant.
Drinks and food cover the tables while the sound of laughter could solve my personal mental crisis.
Soon after the lunch was over, I felt renew and refreshed as if washed from the water of a font.

Flash forward two hours, I sit and wait  on a windy beach waiting for the rest of our party to come.
Eventually more people show up and that is when the fun begins. Constant laughter surrounds the pit.
The fire was officially started, and the conversations and hearty laughter  through the weather so glum.
I quickly became enveloped and surrounded by old roommates and good friends it felt like a perfect fit.

The heavy winds continued to blow sand, and embers all over the pit and the friends that surrounded it.
Hot-dogs and marshmallows fully cooked all over the circle, friends dancing and laughing I am at peace.
The colors of the sunset paint the sky bright, and the sun finally sets, the orange fire remaining lit.
I look at the time and see I am running late. I said my byes, as I took one last look at the beach feast.

Drive on PCH with glass covered with dust, after getting lost a few times, I finally found the back-lot.
I see the celebrant, my friend and sit at a table, make some small talk, and begin to sit patiently.
Soon more and more people leave, I drink with the classic idiom and mantra, "waste not, want not."
As I drove home, my thoughts are how lucky I am to know such great people, my seventh drink sobriety.

April 25th- Act It Out

House lights turn off, get to my cue as fast and quiet, as I can. Move like a specter, do not be seen. 

Stay in total silence, do not move, do not speak, do not smile, wait for the stage lights to turn on. 

There I stood there dressed in pink, sunglasses on, white cane in hand, a blind earthworm at sixteen. 

Thought to myself here it goes, my role, my first play. Before I knew it the stage was brighter than dawn.

After my first few roles were said and done all I could think back of how I became interested in acting. 

I had to go back to a few years thinking of when I saw my cousin acting at her Pilipino Cultural Night. 

There she was, someone I saw every weekend, transformed into someone else, lost in acting and reacting.

I knew that night that acting would be something I wanted to pursue no matter how long and hard the fight.

From an Earthworm, to God of the Underworld and many more, acting lets me live many souls, many lives. 

Acting is a drug, the more I do it, the more I want. It gives a healthy escape from a mundane reality. 

My goal is to have many roles, many emotions, many actions (theirs or mine) for personal mental archives.

Acting is a constant and fulfilling therapy. Following every performance, I have a refreshed mentality. 

Acting not only gives me an escape, but it gives an escape for the cast, crew, and audience as well.

I step out of my shoes, and into another, I wipe my emotions and memories clear, to clear any doubt.

A job of the cast and crew is to give the escape for the audience, positive or negative, heaven or hell. 

Every action, emotion, and line gives me freeom, before every performance, I yell mentally, "Act It Out!"

April 24th- Write or Wrong

Words, words, words. People have asked me plenty of times of why I started writing so many years ago?
Words, words, words. The truth is I write so I let most of my heavy emotions. positive and negative go.
Words, words, words. Different ones made up of different letters, to make up different sentences.
Words, words, words. I use them to jump over my mental hurdles, and psychological fifty foot fences.

Poems, short stories, scripts, and soon a novel; they have given me a chance to tell stories from my mind.
Poems, short stories, scripts, and soon a novel; they have proved to be a cathartic and therapeutic find.
Poems, short stories, scripts, and soon a novel; they have made me feel that my life much more pleasant.
Poems, short stories, scripts, and soon a novel; they have all been reminders of one of a great present.

Some I publicly post, some I will keep hidden from the light of the day. All of them are special to me.
Some I publicly post, some I will keep hidden from the light of the day. All of them set my mind free.
Some I publicly post, some I will keep hidden from the light of the day. They ease my heart and soul.
Some I publicly post, some I will keep hidden from the light of the day. They lighten the mental toll.

Thoughts in my head, then ink on the paper, or words on a screen, it all silences my worries and troubles.
Thoughts in my head, then ink on the paper, or words on a screen, it all feels light just like bubbles.
Thoughts in my head, then ink on the paper, or words on a screen, this passion is truly lifelong.
Thoughts in my head, then ink on the paper, or words on a screen, I think the words, "write or wrong."

April 23rd-Immortalized in Time

Growing up I always loved the idea of cameras, and taking pictures. Let me take some to tell you why. 

Growing up I wanted to be a photographer. Whether it was of people, landscapes, or the wide blue sky.

Growing up I always to have a camera with me, either around my neck, or around my wrist it calmed me. 

Growing up I wanted to hold a camera in one hand, and  the ability to capture to whatever I could see. 

Flash forward almost two decades, I was twenty-three and on medications that I took every night. 

Flash forward almost two decades, I was twenty-three and these medications made me feel right. 

Flash forward almost two decades, I was twenty-three and could barely recall what I did during the day.

Flash forward almost two decades, I was twenty-three and felt my memory tragically deteriorating away.

At that point I just wanted to stop taking these pinkish-pale capsules that stabilized, but sedated me. 

At that point I knew it was not the wisest choice, they helped me a lot, but I just wanted to be free. 

At that point I then decided that I should take pictures, should help me remember the memories being made.

At that point I started to take pictures, hoping that memories will not continue to disappear and fade. 

I do not consider myself a professional photographer, so please do not think that I see myself as one. 

I do consider myself as an amateur photographer, and I love taking photographs when all is said and done. 

I consider it a privilege to live in such a place surrounded by beauty and many people that are sublime.

I consider it a major blessing to make these memories, these people, this life,and immortalized in time. 

April 22nd-Hopes At High Speeds

Three hours of sleep, two hour commute, three classes before I knew it I was on the road again. 

Sun was setting in my rear view, top was down and I admit thoughts of you came up now and then. 

The sky quickly turned into a blend of blues, pinks, oranges, and a unique type of purple. 

I thought about my current my barriers, internal and external every struggle, every hurdle. 

Soon after the sky was completely dark, my top was still down but my lights gleamed down the freeway. 

I have to admit I am still halfway troubled by my regrets, my worries, and my troubles so little leeway. 

Eyes and attention on the road ahead and around me, still haunted  by so many things I can not even see. 

That is not entirely true I can see them mentally, because these thoughts do nothing but consume me. 

I had to take a deep breath, count my blessings, instead of my burdens, and came to one conclusion.

I smile and laugh more as compared to frowning and crying less, I had to break this negative illusion.

Good and bad times never last forever, one can not exist with the other. I have to learn to embrace both.

Good and bad times exist in harmony, take it all in, both types are meant to facilitate personal growth. 

Refreshed, and excited what the future holds, that is one of life's greatest privileges and blessings. 

My headlights reveal the clear and open drive, I took it as solitude from my negative mental dwellings.

It is time to be thankful and grateful and not focus on the negatives. Time to see where this road leads.

I put my foot on the gas, watched the needles fluctuate, night wind in my hair, and hopes at high speeds. 

April 21st- Dreaming About Dreams

Been haunted by a couple of dreams, one during the night, and one during a nap during the day.
Reminded me of people I left behind, and my life's real aspirations, please just show me the way.
Tired of doing all these 180's, tired of feeling discontent, tired of living by others' expectations.
Told all my life that I should not build on what is not there, but damn it is hard to get  foundations.

Not going lie these cuts on my ego are reopening, and it looks like they cannot be stitched up.
I just want to be seen, examined, but not judged, I am in need of a mental observation and closeup.
People tell me they are listening and here for me, but I do not trust them as far as I can throw them.
I tried asking for guidance from up above, but I think I got a busy signal. Might as well just condemn.

Please do not pray for me, because I do not believe, save it for someone who is worth saving.
Tempted to drive too fast, tempted to drink this, to smoke that, just an unfulfilled craving.
Surrounded by people, I have a great support system, but truth is I never felt so alone.
People reading this might be saying, "He seemed so happy," but damn guess my cover is blown.

I try to keep a smile, I try to keep them laughing, but honestly they are not as genuine.
This may is a public venting session, but please do not regard this as a cry for attention.
It hurts to wonder about all the promises I made, now I am asking what is in it for me?
I do not want to think like this, so please do not get it twisted, I just want to let things be.

My pipe dreams, my crafts, my forms of therapy are something I really want to pursue.
But according to other people, according to our society, exactly what the hell I supposed to do?
I mean is it really time to just put up my pen and paper, my scripts, and my cameras for good?
No! I may have to let some things go, but not right now, I have to try, and just knock on wood.

April 20th-Mom, Orchids and Spoons

My mother has always loved flowers, one of her favorites is the orchids, there is still a lot by door.

To this day she is still one of the of most caring, compassionate, and wisest people in my life. 

By nature she is very mild mannered always keeps her calm and composure not once have I ever swore.

She is a loving aunt, daughter, sister, cousin, niece, friend, coworker, mother, and wife. 

As far back as I can remember she was there for me, making sure I was ready for what life threw at me.

Her faith has always inspired me. Indirectly or directly, Her faith still inspires me when times get hard.

Though she may not agree with others, she respects their view points, and let things and people be. 

She may be caring and understanding, but she is vigilant and you will never be caught off guard. 

Before my brother and I came into this world, she cared for others as a registered nurse. 

She was always there to lend a hand to anyone who asked for help, putting their needs first.

She taught me that it is love that makes you rich, not what you had in your wallet or purse. 

Always prepared, always ready, always rose above, and made the best of the worst of the worst. 

She collects spoons, how and when she started this hobby, I have never asked her. 

She always kept what she could until they were broken beyond repair, to have it just in case. 

As long as we we were not harming anyone or ourselves, she was there to cheer us, to concur. 

Always kept our kitchen full, our rooms clean, our lives in order, and created a warm home base.

There have been a few times, I would let my emotions get the best of me, and make her cry. 

They were never my proudest moments, I was five, fifteen, twenty, and twenty-four. 

If I am being honest, I have to admit that each time I did so, I just wanted to drive off and die. 

Always forgiving and understanding, she ended up making me feel better, loving galore. 

Growing up she never asked too much of me, go to school and make sure I get my college degree.

Always made sure I was well fed, well rested, and learned to slow down, wiser than I could ever see. 

She always supported my dreams,  however crazy, out of this world, far-fetched as they may be. 

She taught me to love honestly, and unconditionally, forgive, the only way I could feel peace and be free.

Whenever I can, I help her with her orchids and her flowers, that is how I feel I can really help her out.

The way she takes care of her flowers, as if they were people she sees the potential they have inside. 

Her orchids, I feel remind her of people, that is why she cares about them so much without a doubt.  

I have learned a lot from her, but most of all no matter what happens try to stay starry and bright eyed. 

April 19th- BMW, Dad, And Dodger Baseball

Earlier this evening, I ended up in a car ride with my dad we listened to the Dodger Game on the radio.
Not very unusual, because he usually listens to Sports. However, Dodgers will always be special to me.
Let us go back twenty years, I was four and barely with the innocence of a child and no credo.
Four years old with my dad at Dodger Stadium, with my dad, father, papa that was my first memory.

I remember feeling the soap getting in my eyes and crying, but my dad was there to wipe away my tears.
Do I remember who won or who lost or even who they were playing? I honestly could not tell you.
I remember my dad was there for me to make me smile and that I was safe from life's deepest, darkest fears.
Even now, he is accepting, understanding, and most importantly loving, of whatever I want to do.

That is why I love rooting for the Dodgers. Win or Lose. They take me back to a time of innocence.
Most of all, I learned that night that I know my dad be there when I need his guidance and love.
There I was a child now an adult but there is solace that my dad's love conquers time and distance.
His support and love, combined and equal with my mother's support love is a gift from up above.

Pleasant drive, pleasant ride, some good quality time with my dad the sun was setting and I was happy.
We were on the way to pick up my mom and visit some family from her side then his side.
We spent the night eating great food, and I spent time with my cousins, food and family...the best therapy.
At 11:30 we left the last house on the circuit, and I felt all my troubles fall off the freeway, on the wayside.

Right before we exited I saw a sight. The current models of BMW on Display from the Dealership.
Let us go back ten years, I was fourteen. Full of angst but more of wonder, and daydreams.
I remember James Bond drove a BMW, and all I wanted one too...that one important pink slip.
My dad would often call the roadster my car, to feed my hopes so that my aspiration gleams.

I always wanted a convertible, and I did not expect it as my first car, it meant more it was BMW.
The reason it meant more is because my dad's first major investment was his BMW, still in our driveway
I may have given up a lot for it, but it was not about the material, it has much more sentimental value.
One day I hope that we both can drive our cars side by side that would be a really great day.

These connections, these memories are all just examples of how lucky I am my that my dad is my dad.
Always there for me, showed me the difference between right and wrong, and how to be a great man.
From the Dodger Games, to my beautiful car, examples of his love and support that outlives any fad.
He taught me to not take shit, or give shit. On top of that he  taught me the importance to have plan.

April 18th- Advice To My 2008 Self

Dear 2008 Self,

First and foremost remember everything happens for a reason. 

Because for every experience and lesson life has for you has its own season. 

Do not let people bring you down, especially and most importantly you. 

Do surround yourself with good people and great times will ensue. 

Start reading. Read everything and anything. Read for class. Read for fun. Read for yourself.

Stop complaining. You are blessed with more than you could ever imagine. Life is a gift itself. 

Start seeing a counselor. You know for what. Swallow your pride and ask for help. It will do wonders.

Stop chasing after women that are toxic. You know who I am talking about. It all ends in blunders. 

It is okay to miss your friends, be happy for them. They have so much faith in you. Do not let them down. 

It is okay to miss you friends, but make new ones. Good quality friends are everywhere in town. 

Do not over text, Seriously, learn to understand limits. Most importantly do not over think. 

Do spend time thinking about your future, because before you know it time will fly in one quick blink. 

You are going to make friendships, and  some will end that is okay, just do right by you.

Take a good look at the signs, if it is not working out, call it a day and stay friends. 

You are going to make  a lot of mistakes. Accept them and learn from them. 

When a problem occurs get to the root of them, do not try to just cut the stem. 

You are going to be rejected from several schools, and later accepted to two of them. It will be worthwhile.

No matter how much you feel hurt, defeated, crushed, etc...flounder and struggle with style and a smile. 

Watch what you say to other people, you may be sweet 99%, but that 1% will hurt them like no other. 

You will rise and fall, but remember at the end of the day be a good example for your brother. 

Do not post your life story for everyone to see...never mind you will just ignore this part. 

Act more, write more, take more pictures. They are forms of therapy not just art.

Pay attention in Anthropology classes because...well you will see when you get here. 

You are going to have some hard times, that can be solve by one, just one beer. 

Never be afraid of asking that cute girl in class out. You have nothing to lose, despite what you say.

Your family and true friends are going to be there for you, so be there for them night or day. 

Make time for people you really care about, because one day you might hear that they are gone.

Go for your dreams, embrace the people you love, and learn to take problems head on. 

Well that's all I have to say. Try your best, and most of all believe in yourself.

Sincerely,

A braver, caring, happier, and hopefully wiser self. 

April 17th- Two Hour Commute

I sat in traffic with my top down thinking of everything that has happened these past few weeks.
I sat in traffic and attempted to listen to some of my recorded lectures. The key word is attempted.
I sat in traffic and thought about my emotional journey, all the low valleys and extremely high peaks.
I sat in traffic with my top down wanting to just escape before peoples' tempers erupted.

The sun was finally shining after a morning and early afternoon of a gray overcast.
The sun was finally beaming down on me and all the others stuck on the freeway.
The sun was finally shining, but all I could think about was my urge to drive fast.
The sun was finally beaming down but the heavy traffic offered little leeway.

My playlist was on shuffle fifty seven songs that I chose to keep me sane on the road.
My playlist was on shuffle fifty seven songs that ranged from acoustic covers to classic rock.
My playlist was on shuffle fifty seven songs that were meant to keep my mood mellowed.
My playlist was on shuffle fifty seven songs that some titles would just be a shock.

I watched the different cars drive past me, and I drive past other cars in the sea of metal and rubber.
I watched the buildings on the side of the freeway change and vary in all shapes and sizes.
I watched the color of sky hoping to see some foliage for a change grass, bushes, or even some lumber.
I watched the headlights and  taillights and watch the colors of the sunset knowing that the sun always rises.

April 16th-I

I spend a lot of time on the road in traffic, out of traffic, but mostly in traffic.

I spend a lot of time taking pictures, digital or film, I like the idea of capturing moments. 

I spend a lot of time writing with the hopes of creating a moment so vivid and graphic. 

I spend a lot of time thinking about life and as many of its components. 

I try to see the best in everything that life has to offer because I feel people do not do that enough. 

I try to make the most with what I have got because that is how I was raised.

I try to keep my head up, my eyes bright, my emotions pure, but sometimes it can get way too tough.

I try to listen to what others have to say because whats others have to say can leave me amazed. 

I do my best to be as honest as straightforward as possible in a world of charades. 

I do my best to be as open and as caring as I can to everyone I encounter. 

I do my best to be make sure that I have more than my fair share of escapades. 

I do my best to be as positive as possible because every other person I know is a downer. 

I prefer to not live out of a planner, but if experience has taught me anything it is better if I use one.

I prefer to not live by others' expectations, but sometimes they are right and I am wrong. 

I prefer to not judge people because in my honest opinion judging is way overdone. 

I prefer to not view others as weak and fragile, because I believe people are strong. 

I would like to see more compassion, empathy towards others in this world. 

I would like to hear more compliments, and less insults to and from others. 

I would like to see this planet less divided in differences, and similarities swirled. 

I would like to see people treat others as if we were all sisters and brothers. 

April 15th-My Journey

My journey to where I am now has seen its twists and turns.
My journey to where I am now has seen its clear straight shots.
My journey to where I am now has shaped me into the man I was yesterday.
My journey to where I am now has shaped me into a man that I am happy to see in a mirror.

I could tell you all the things I have done wrong.
I could tell you all the things I have done right.
I could tell you all the things I wish I did do.
I could tell you all the things I wish I did not do.

I have done the wrong things for the wrong reasons.
I have done the wrong things for the right reasons.
I have done the right things for the wrong reasons.
I have done the right things for the right reasons.

My life story so far has been anything but ordinary.
My life story so far has seen the brightest of days.
My life story so far has seen the darkest of nights.
My life story so far has been mine, that is all that matters.

I have been broken down more times than I can count.
I have been lifted up all the times I have been brought down plus one.
I have been burdened with so many things, most of which can not be seen.
I have been gifted with so many more things, and damn if I forget that.

I could tell you what makes me the same as everyone else.
I could tell you what makes me different from everyone else.
I could tell you what makes me different from you, but that would only separate us.
I could tell you what make me and you similar, I would much rather do that.

My journey has made every tear, every smile, every crying fit, every laughing worth it,
My journey has made it clear to where I am supposed to be.
My journey will take me through many obstacles that I can barely imagine.
My journey will take me to where I am supposed to be and when I am supposed to be there.

April 14th-We'll Always Have Booster's

Over the years how many lives have you touched?

Over the years how many bonds did you make?

Over the years how much attention have you clutched?

Over the years how many rules did you break? 

I looked forward to our class every week.

I looked forward to our class because it was different.

I looked forward to our class when my future seemed so bleak.

I looked forward to our class because it left all my little problems indifferent. 

I wish I went to visit you that one day in September. It still a huge regret. 

I wish I went to visit you that one day in September. I still have not forgiven myself.

I wish I went to visit you that one day in September. I wish I could just forget.

I wish I went to visit you that one day in September. I wish this was all just a story on my shelf. 

You were a great professor, and an even more amazing friend. 

You were always watching out for us with a smile a mile long and eyes that sparkled like stars.

You were there from the start of class and end of class, with an ear to lend. 

You were there to always give us your verdicts on all the various bars. 

Your teachings and words extended beyond the four walls of that lecture hall.

Your teachings and words were even greater around four tables and countless chairs. 

Your teachings and words could make a pile of books thirty stories tall. 

Your teachings and words were full of pleasantries and swears. 

I still remember your last words to me that came through a dream.

I still remember your last words to me that gave me some closure.

I still remember your last words to me that were showed your protective scheme,

I still remember your last words to me that woke me up feeling with a calm composure.

I hope wherever you may be, you look back and smile at all you have done. 

I hope wherever you may be, you look forward to what you see.

I hope wherever you may be, you are smiling, chuckling, an having fun.

I hope wherever you may be, you are well, free, and most of all happy. 

April 13th-Traffic Jam to Dreamland

Here I sit thinking about the past few days that left me tired.

Here I sit thinking about how my concept of time is slated.

Here I sit thinking about all the synapses that have been fired. 

Here I sit thinking about some of my social stages are belated. 

I am reminded of all the things I said, and I should have said.

I am reminded of all the things I have done, and should have done.

I am reminded of all the times I just wish I stayed in bed.

I am reminded of all the times I just wanted to turn and run. 

As I lay here, I can not help but think of all the people that left me behind. 

As I lay here, I can not help but think of all the people that stayed.

As I lay here, I can not help but think of all the lives that were intertwined.

As I lay here, I can not help but think of all the dues that are left unpaid. 

All I want is my mind to stop racing, and for me to fall asleep. 

All I want to do is just lay my head down, close my eyes, and dream. 

All I want is to just rest and relax, before my worries become too deep.

All I want to do is just sit back and watch my hopes and wishes gleam. 

Life can be so hard some times, I just hope that someday it will get easy. 

Life can be so twisted and complicated, I just hope that someday it will be simple. 

Life can be so turbulent and cloudy, I just want it to be sunny and breezy.

Life can be so hectic and cryptic sometimes, I just want to leave one little ripple. 

I guess I will not be sleeping soon, I love the color of the dark night sky. 

I guess I will not be sleeping soon, I love hearing the sounds of a quiet town. 

I guess I will not be sleeping soon, it is okay though because right now I am on an emotional high.

I guess I will not be sleeping soon, it is okay though because right now nothing can bring me down. 

I suppose there is a traffic jam to Dreamland, it is okay because all I can do now is smile.

I suppose there is a traffic jam to Dreamland, it is okay because I have so much to be thankful for.

I suppose there is a traffic jam to Dreamland, it is okay I can just lay here for awhile. 

I suppose there is a traffic jam to Dreamland, it is okay I want to see what the future has in store. 

Rekindled. Realization. Respect.

Hey, so whoever does read these things I want to apologize that I haven't posted anything in the past few days. I've been sick, had a paper, and well sick again (woo). As a little treat, I'm going to give the background info regarding inspiration for each poem.

Background: On Thursday, April 10th, I helped volunteer at a Filipinos in Entertainment & Media: Creating Visibility, Establishing Individuality. Although, I was all over the place,  I was able to get to talk to some people in the entertainment industry. On top of that, I was told by two different people that they remembered me from the open mic nights at the Word on Wednesday. With that being said my passion for acting, writing, and performing in  general was rekindled. 

Rekindled-April 10th
Today was like any other day, or at least it started that way.
I hopped in my car, thought it was nice outside so I put my  convertible top down.
Fifteen minutes on the freeway I saw a thick fog as far as the eye could see.
I drove into the fog, and I have to say it felt like a reflection of how I have been feeling.

As much as I would try to to play it off, I have spent the last few months losing passion.
Passion for acting, writing, performing, future, and even people. I felt as if I was going nowhere.
I felt disconnected from the world, while driving I had one working headlight in the dark gray air.
I slowed down, because what else could I do? I just had to keep driving so I did.

Carrying on to the night, going through the motions.  The sun came down, and the event started.
One person said she remembered me for my writing. That felt incredibly sweet.
I was in awe of some of the panelists, mostly because of their passion and perseverance.
The event ended, and the crowd began to form, networking occurred, autographs were signed.

I talked to a few people, refreshed to see how personable everyone truly was.
Then another person commended me on my performance that happened months ago.
After a short discussion, I have to admit I finally felt like my old self.
External validations are sweet, but this time this night did so much for me in so many ways.

There it was, passions become rekindled. Passions that I was so easily snuffing out.
Times change. Priorities change. But true passions, true love find their ways to be rekindled.
Humbled, and honored I could not help but remember the foggy drive that I took this morning.
I smiled, felt at peace, and the second headlight turned on. The path back home was a bright one.

 Background: Much like the first poem, I have to admit that I have doubt myself not just with my passions, but also where I am in life. As I'm about to graduate in three months from college, I still feel that I do not belong into such an amazing school (UCLA). Well, once again, I had a realization that I belong there.

Realization- April 11th
Woke up feeling really sick. I could barely breathe. Shallow, and fast.
Reminded myself, I still have an assignment due an to do all the work attached to it.
Time to focus and get it together kid, because you have to work do. Remember finish strong.
Shit, I cannot due this, might as well just take the low grade. I do not belong here.

Woke up feeling sicker than before my nap. What am I doing here? I am so close I have to finish.
Okay, one page at a time, okay one paragraph at a time, okay...one word at a time.
I feel like a failure, what am I doing? Just stop, just let it end, because it is not worth it anymore.
I am so weak right now, how could I think I was just doing fine. How could I ever belong here?

Silly kid you were fooling yourself. You know you are just going to quit. That is who you are.
Silly kid why even try? You know as much as I do that you are not going to prosper.
Silly kid you are getting weaker and weaker it's 6 PM. Assignment is due at 11:59. You will fail.
Silly kid, you know that this you are worst critic, so why give in? Prove yourself wrong.

Finally finishing up this assignment, I can not believe I am actually going to need the whole space.
Finally finishing up this assignment, I will get through all of this. We have an hour left.
Finally finishing up this assignment, after being in and out sleep. It is done.
Finally finishing up this assignment, I realize that my mind and determination are as sharp as ever.

I belong at my school. I belong at home. I belong in this lifetime. I am here for a reason.

Background: After watching a very good fight, I am reminded that respect is still under expressed, but when it is, it should be rewarded.

Respect- April 12th

There will be times when we will win, and there will be times when we will lose. Respect.
There will be bad times, and there will be good times. Respect.
There will be bad people, and good people. Respect.
There will be people out there to heal us, there will be people out to hurt us. Respect.

A fighter can still lose, even while at the prime of their game. Respect.
A fighter can still win, even while they have seen better days. Respect.
People can change who they are, that is their right. Respect.
People can change. Respect

Sometimes we will lose at things that we prospered at. Respect.
Sometimes life will have us against the ropes. Respect.
Sometimes we will have life us against the ropes. Respect
Sometimes life will gives us what we need, even though it is not what we want. Respect.

Life will test us with challenges. Respect.
How we choose to respond is up to us. Respect.
Life will bring us up, to knock us down, to bring us up again. Respect.
How we choose we feel each time is up to us. Respect.

I realize that these poems are also more of a story, rather than my other ones. It's just stuff I've been feeling. That's the beauty of poetry, or writing to me. Just being able to vent out emotions both good and bad. Thank you again for understanding why I have not posted anything in the past few days. Have a great day!

April 9th-Suburban Night Lights

My mind was restless a lot growing up. 

My emotions were rampant and all consuming.

My breathing would be rapid and shallow.

My senses would be dulled down to the point. 

My thought process would be hindered and clouded. 

There would be times where I would go out and stay out.

There would be times where I would shut the world out. 

There would be times where my mind played tricks on me. 

There would be times where I feel I could not trust anyone.

There would be times where I wish I would just not exist.

During these times, I would do a myriad of things to keep myself occupied. 

During these times, I would write, read, or go for a drive. Drives always were the best.

During these times,I could spend hours driving around my little sleepy suburbia.

During these times, I felt so small, but so worthwhile. 

During these times, I felt at peace. 

I always took the scenic road home.

I always hoped for the better days to come sooner.

I always looked for a sign to show I was going in the right direction.

I always listened to the sounds around me: traffic, animals, wind. 

I always tried to take the back roads home.

Through these back roads I found solace.

Through these back roads I found hope. 

Through these back roads I found peace.

Through these back roads I found ease.

Through these back roads, I found them.

They were beautiful, they were silent.

They were always there when I needed them.

They were there to show me hope. 

They were there to make me smile.

They were there to provide light. 

These Suburban Night Lights left me speechless every time,

These Suburban Night Lights left me refreshed and ready.

These Suburban Night Lights gave me a sense of safety.

These Suburban Night Lights gave me a strong sense of hope.

These Suburban Night Lights can provide the same for others.

These lights was not just electricity and bulbs, they were and will always be magic. 

April 8th -Reminded

I was reminded of her today. Why?!
I was reminded of her yesterday.
I smiled thinking of how great she was.
I smiled thinking of how great she still is.

I thought about when she first hugged me.
I thought about the stars and hope in her eyes.
I thought about the scent of her hair.
I thought about her sweet and sincere laugh.

I thought about all our conversations, smooth and rough.
I thought about how I tried to play it coy. I tried.
I thought about what she told me, her plans for the future.
I thought about how calm she was.

I remember thinking that she was one of a kind.
I remember thinking about her beautiful soul and mind.
I remember thinking how happy I was just to spend time with her.
I remember being nervous, but free to be myself.

I was reminded of the time we spent together, whether the two of us or more.
I was reminded of how I did not want to see her one day, and hope she did not see me.
I was reminded of her noticing me, even when I wished I was invisible.
I was reminded of her, and the feeling I would get when I would her name on my phone.

I was reminded of her, and all the heartbreak.
I was reminded of her, wishing that we actually gave each other a chance.
I was reminded of her, and how I know she is going to far.
I was reminded of how great of a person she is. I wish her well.
I was reminded of her. I'm glad to be reminded of her.

April 7th-Jaded Contacts, Rose Colored Glasses

I am so tired of everything and everyone...

Time to insert my Jaded Contacts

I have had enough. This is no longer my problem. 

I have had enough. It is time to burn the bridges.

I have had enough. I am so tired of people. 

I have had enough. Everything is and everyone replaceable. 

I have to go out in the dark night. I heard disembodied voice. 

I have to go out in the dark night. Time to bring a flashlight. 

I have to go out in the dark night. Time to bring a knife with me. 

I have to go out in the dark night. Can we please go back in now?

Why is he texting me? What does he want? 

Why is he texting me? I have nothing to say to him.

Why is he texting me? He wants to touch base.

Why is he texting me? Great another thing to do. 

Why is he texting me? Okay, he has a point.

Why is he texting me? It seems only fair. 

Why is he texting me? NO. I really do not care. 

Why is he texting me? I know deep down he is right. 

I feel uneasy. I feel as if people are out to get me.

I feel uneasy. I feel that people who were once friends, want nothing to do with me.

I feel uneasy. People are going to turn on me. 

I feel uneasy. I should turn on them.

I texted a wise man. He tried to get me to think rationally. 

I texted a wise man. He tried to calm me down.

I texted a wise man. He always knew to keep cool. 

I texted a wise man. I felt like such a fool.

I do not want to have kids. This line of turmoil stops with me.

I do not want to have kids. Will I ever truly be free?

I do not want to have kids. No one deserves this.

I do not want to have kids. They will feel hell, only after bliss.

Breathe. I feel I have only let people down.

Breathe. I only see the failures of my past.

Breathe. I smile with the tears of a clown. 

Breathe. Life is moving way too fast. 

I do not want to live. That is not true.

I do not want to live. What more can I do?

I do not want to live. I just want to be frozen.

I do not want to live. I am one of the condemned chosen.

Let me go. I do not want to hear or know. 

Let me go. I do not want to feel this any more.

Let me go. I feel nothing but the cold winds blow.

Let me go. I can not love or adore.

Bring me back down. I feel things can get better.

Bring me back down. I feel as light as a feather.

Bring me back down. I feel stronger than ever.

Bring me back down. I feel ever so clever.

Breathe. Smile.

Breathe. I think I will stay here a while.

Breathe. You are blessed with the people here for you.

Breathe. Do not over think. Do not feel blue.

Smile. The world is a better place. 

Smile. The night is not as scary. 

Smile. Do not learn to tolerate, learn to embrace.

Smile. Do be as happy and as whimsical as a fairy. 

Rest. Even birds are happy enough to sing in the dark.

Rest. Everything will be okay. Life sometimes is a  walk in the park.

Rest. Make sure you are thankful to see another day. 

Rest. With all the work, and stress do not forget to play. 

I truly am blessed, lucky, fortunate, whatever people may call it...

It is too late now, take out the contacts and put on the rose colored glasses. 

April 6th-Meet Me Halfway

Meet me halfway, between where you are and where I am.
Meet me halfway, it just feels like you never gave a damn.
Meet me halfway, between 10 and 11 in the morning.
Meet me halfway, because we are never boring.

Meet me halfway, because others have tried.
Meet me halfway, because we both cried.
Meet me halfway, because you make me happy.
Meet me halfway, because you are extremely sappy.

Meet me halfway, because you need me as much as I need you.
Meet me halfway, because there is nothing left to say or do.
Meet me halfway, because I know you are caring,
Meet me halfway, because you were never overbearing.

Meet me halfway. because is you that I really adore.
Meet me halfway, because we have done this before.
Meet me halfway, because I know you want to.
Meet me halfway, because what else is there to do?

Meet me halfway, because I am in my car.
Meet me halfway, because you are too far.
Meet me halfway, because you are one of a kind.
Meet me halfway, because you are the only thing on my mind.

April 5th-Zapdos

You are golden and radiant like the legendary bird.

You have one of the sweetest voices that I have ever heard. 

Whenever Zapdos flapped its wings, it made thunder.

Whenever I saw you, you made me blunder. 

I always saw you as someone who flew above us all. 

I always wished that I could have taken you to a Grand Ball.

You always had courage, that was borderline death-defying. 

Your smile were sweet, but your eyes were electrifying.

Your hugs left me paralyzed as if you had use Thunder Wave

At the same time your hugs were invigorating and made me brave.

Your intelligence and determination hit hard like a Thunder Shock

At the same time you were always so busy, and always on the clock. 

I firmly believe that your own personal symbol will always be a Thunderbolt.

You were always so whimsical and careless as a wild and free Colt. 

You always left me within a state of both Thunder and Wonder Struck. 

Whenever I saw you part of me always just wanted to run, hide, or duck.

You always had a bright disposition, it was as if you used Light Screen.

Sometimes, I would be so nervous around you I swear I would turn green.

But not an unhealthy shade of green, but more of a green of envy.

An envy rooted because your endless supply of happy energy. 

Like the Legendary Bird, you are majestic and beautiful. 

Like a loyal and ideal friend, you are caring and dutiful. 

Like an ideal person, you will always care. 

Like Zapdos, a person as great as you is rare. 

April 4th-Bipolar Disoder (My Curse, My Gift)

My Curse

I hate the fact that I go through such drastic highs and lows.
I hate the fact that I can go weeks with minimal sleep.
I hate the fact that it seems every little hurdle are hard blows.
I hate the fact that words can cut extremely deep.

I hate the fact that I can last days with minimal eating.
I hate the fact that I will make excuses and withdraw for plans.
I hate the fact that I am used to taking an emotional beating.
I hate the fact that I live with constant "cant's"and very few "cans."

I hate the fact that my mood changes drastically.
I hate the fact that I take things too many things too seriously.
I hate the fact that I will dwell and dwell.
I hate the fact that I trap myself in my own personal hell.

My Gift

I love the fact that I can experience a mosaic of emotions.
I love the fact that I can take in moments deeper.
I love the fact that most of the time I am never going through the motions.
I love the fact that the sweet moments are sweeter.

I love the fact that I can hate, but I love the fact that I can love more.
I love the fact that people compliment of how genuine and honest I am.
I love the fact that the people around me and my life is never a bore.
I love the fact that sometimes life can hit me so strong, it's like "Bam!"

I love the fact that a minute can seem like day, a day like a year.
I love the fact that that I have so many moments I hold so dear.
I love the fact that I am lucky enough to feel such feelings, and beautiful thought.
I love the fact that even in with all the goods in this world, this can not be bought.

My curse, my gift, is just one small aspect of my identity. It is is part of my life, but it will not control it.

Blog Resurrection/National Poetry Month

So I realized I haven't made an entry in a long time. Well here's to resurrecting it. What better way to do it than to submit some of my writing in a few poems. I found out that some people are writing a poem a day an though I may be late to a party I guess I can recall to what I've been feeling the past few days so here it goes:

April 1st- The First of the Last.

First day of school, singing alone in my car.
Six years in the making, but man have I gone far.
Parked in the parking lot, an hour to spare.
Anxiety, feeling like I am running out of air.

Class starts. Class ends. On to the next one.

Class starts.

Sitting in the first classroom I sat in UCLA things are far too real.
Sitting next to a friend, mind wonders, reality is too much to deal.
Thought about the time it took to get here; four years to get here, two to stay.
Thought about the people, the experiences. Everything seems so far away.

Class ends. On to the next one.

Class starts.

In a much larger lecture hall I feel like a droplet in the sea of faces.
In a much larger lecture hall I think about all kinds of places.
Feeling abandoned, confused, lost, detached, and left alone.
Feeling trapped, imprisoned, lethargic, like I have never known.

Class ends.

Walking to the campus photography studio, giant line at the side of me.
Harsh reality kicked in, something that I did not expect to see.
I missed a vital deadline, one of my dreams was not coming true.
Time to a wake up, time to deal with it, what else could I do?

Met with my Peer Counselor.

Let everything out, you can trust her, just let everything go.
She listened and made me feel better, softened the blow.
Phone was charging, my phone was what I felt, dead.
Phone recharged so was I, no issue left unsaid.

Class starts. The final one of the day.

Professor's was calm, collected, smooth, soft, and strong.
Seeing some familiar faces, sitting next to a pal, felt like I belong.
Mind wonders again, taking sparse notes, mind comes back.
Vision gives out, for a moment, just for a moment, fade to black.

Class ends.

I picked up my course reader, and went back to school.
Rush of negative emotions feeling up, kept my cool.
I got in my car, and started it up. Hard times, but had some fun.
Started up my car, put on my music, drove out of the lot. First day was done.

April 2nd-Bulldozer

I went to drive to work. While passing cars, I knew this couldn't last.
Unlike the cars and traffic on the freeway, life was moving way too fast.
Parked my car, sat there for a while. I have felt this feeling many times before.
Tried to keep myself busy, this feeling never ever was easy to ignore.

Almost slipped on my way through the main door, hoping no one saw it.
Everyone saw it. Played it off as cool as I could, trying to show my best wit.
Halfway through my shift, I knew that this whole commuting wasn't going to work.
Thinking I had to make a big decision, but not wanting my life to stop a giant fork.

Got a few lectures from my boss. This is his job, though it may cut like a knife.
The decision is becoming clearer, I did not want to think about it. Such is life.
After my shit I went to talk to my counselor about graduation. One step closer.
The reality was setting in. Reality. Reality feels like an imposing bulldozer.

I messaged the people I needed to. I know that I have to cut leave,
It hurt, it hurt a lot to step down, to leave. but I have to believe.
I have to believe that everything truly does happen for a reason.
I have to believe that everything has its own season.

I got in my car, and I drove off. Before I knew it, I was on the freeway.
Little pockets of traffic, drive fast, drive slow, what else was there to say.
I exited the freeway, my mind somewhat cleared from the long drive home.
My mind started filling up, anxieties once again clouded my mental dome.

Hear some noises, saw man not much older than I am, collecting bottles from the trash.
My troubles seemed so small now, the bulldozer of reality gave me on more stinging lash.
Finished my drink, gave him an empty bottle, gave him a full one said it was a hot day.
He smiled, thanked me, wished each other a good one, his smile left nothing to say.

Filled up my tank and drove back to my house. Parents were out, it was eerily quiet.
Sat at the kitchen table, and thought about the negatives, I tried my best to fight.
Parents came in, I feigned a smile, that's all I could do.
Reality, the bulldozer, left me feeling broken and blue.

April 3rd-A New Dawn

Woke up after a few odd dreams. Mental residue, from the day before.
5:45 AM...time to go down and eat. Come on, get out of bed and open the door.
Ate breakfast, went up the stairs and felt sick, sat in bed. Felt like everything slowing down.
Trying my best to cheer up and let my hardships go, but I smile through the tears of a clown.

Wait, it's not just emotional, I feel really sick. My skin started to itch, so I started to scratch.
What could it be? The shift in the weather? The cold mornings, or just a bad batch?
Dad left for work, I told my mom that I was feeling sick, going to miss school.
The second day of the first week, it was way too soon to lose my cool.

I slept most of the day, annoyed, and irritated, I just wanted to be left alone.
Mom came home, I was cold, and made her cry. I felt cold to my last bone.
The issue was so small, she was not crying about me, but because of the issue.
Wish I would have just stepped up, hugged her, and handed her a clean tissue.

She deserves better, she did not deserve that. I apologized and we worked it all out.
Mind traveled back to the anxieties that I had, I had to deal with them without a doubt.
I knew what I had to do, I emailed my boss with my letter of resignation.
It hurt, but it truly is for the better, this was the destination.

I had to give up a lot in the past few days, everything was done.
There were no other possible ways, this was not easy nor fun.
I have to keep my head up, and keep moving forward. I have to move on.
I have to persevere, take everything with a grain of salt. There will be a new a dawn.

Okay, that's all for now. I hope you all have enjoyed these. Sorry, they aren't the best poems. I haven't written one in a while, but I needed to let some stuff out.

Take care everyone!